Just once
by pamy
Summary: At the end of Lost and Found tony watches the kid leave and sinks into a deep depression. Can Gibbs and the team safe him? Or is it to late for our favorite senior field agent? Please read and review
1. Chapter 1

Something about the kid

There something about that kid. He says.

He sees Ziva and McGee look at each other. As if he wouldn't notice. As if he wouldn't care.

There something about that kid. He doesn't know what. Not at first that is.

He tries to ignore Ziva and McGee. He triest to ignore what he knows there thinking. That must have been DiNozzo when he was a kid.

There something about that kid. Keeps going trough his mind. He knows now what it is. He doesn't say it out loud.

He knows they look at the kid and see him. Maybe they think he was like that once. How wrong they are.

There something about that kid. He sees him leave the building. His father on one side, his mother on the other. And he knows why he didn't see it at first.

He knows they think he and the kid are alike. Now maybe. Maybe he was like that when he was a kid. But nobody noticed.

There something about that kid. Long after he leaves it keeps going trough his head. He can't stop thinking about the kid.

He knows his teammates think he was like that. Never has he wished more that they were right.

Long after the day is over and he is already at home he keeps thinking about the kid. He can't forget him. The kid thought he had bad luck. But he was the luckiest kid on earth.

He has never wished more in his life to be just like the kid. Come home and find a father worrying about him. Waiting for him.

There's something about that kid. He knows what it is. He didn't like the kid not at first. But now he does.

He didn't realize at first why he didn't like the kid. Maybe he thougth they were to much alike. But now he knows what it was. He was jealous.

There's something about the kid. He likes the kid. And he knows why. When he looks at the kid he sees what should have been. When he looks at the kid he seems himself.

He was jealous. Not because he knew more about movies. But because trough it all his father loved him. And waited for him.

He realised it the second he saw the kid hug his father. He liked the kid because he sees what he wanted his childhood to be. A loving father to wait for him. To look for him. To fight for him.

He wanted what the kid had. Not the father he got. The drunken bastard who beat him every single night. He wanted what the kid had. A loving family.

Maybe that's why he didn't see the resembelance. Not at first. He just saw a kid that looked like him. Now he sees what he wanted it to be like. What he wanted to have.

But he will never tell his team that. They wouldn't care. If they did one of them would have asked him already about the scars. But they didn't.

So instead he chooses silence. He chooses to go home and be alone. He chooses for them not to know. He chooses to play dumb.

'There something about that kid' He says. And he sees them look. And he knows once again he fooled them. Into thinking he didn't see.

How wrong they were. There something about the kid. And he will never forget. The split second he saw him hug his father, he whished it was him. Just once.


	2. Chapter 2

Alone

Alone

He closed the door behind him. It was dark outside. It was dark inside. It was dark everywhere. Dark everywhere he looked.

He looked around the empty apartment. It was always empty. He always felt alone. Right now in the darkness he could still pretend like there was somebody waiting for him. Like there was somebody who cared. Somebody who waited for him.

Slowly he clicked on the light. His apartment bathed in light. He closed his eyes. He wanted somebody to be waiting for him. Somebody to care. But nobody cared. Nobody.

He sank down in one of his chairs. He never noticed how empty it was. He never noticed how much he wanted somebody who cared. A father who cared. Friends who really cared. Somebody who loved him. But nobody did. Jeanne did. But not anymore.

He looked around his apartment. Everyone would think you'd be happy in here. But for some reason he wasn't. He really wasn't. It wasn't that he didn't like it. But it felt so empty. Maybe it was just his imagination. But somehow it had never felt this empty.

It was because of the kid. He knew that. He couldn't get him out of his head. Especially the second his father hugged him. He wanted his father to care. He wanted his father to love him. But his father never had.

He wished he could say he believed he had his team. He always thought he had. Sometimes he felt like an outsider. But that didn't happen very often. But somehow today, the second he saw Ziva and Probie look at each other he knew. They didn't really know him. They didn't really care.

They didn't know anything. Not one of them. He always thought Gibbs knew him. But when he saw him agree whit Ziva he knew he had been wrong. Gibbs didn't know anything about him. Not about his past. And not about how he felt now.

He looked around his empty apartment. He felt so alone. He always felt alone. It's weird how you can be surrounded by so many people and still feel all alone. Because they didn't really know him. And he was always alone.

That's why he went out on so many dates. Or at least that's why he used to. To have someone on his side. Somebody who cared about him. Even if it was just for a little while. But now he didn't go out anymore.

Because when he met Jeanne he had seen love. And he couldn't forget her. She was still in his hearth. She was always in his hearth. He sighed. HE couldn't go out anymore. Because when he had her, he had thought for a while he could be loved. That he would never be alone again.

But here he was. All alone. At the moment he choose his team it seemed like a good idea. He loved his team. He couldn't be apart from them. But now … Jeanne had known more about him then his team did. She saw the pain in his eyes. She loved him.

And he lost her. And now after so many months feeling loved he sat here again. All alone. Just like so many times before. And he lost. Nobody cared.

He clicked the light out. And he sat there in complete darkness. At least now he could pretend somebody was by his side.

But it was all imagination. Because he was as he always had been. All alone.


	3. Chapter 3

_I have two questions. Has the name of Tony's father ever been mentioned? And how old is Tony actually?_

* * *

Midnight phone calls

Tony turned around in his bed. He wanted to sleep. But he couldn't. He looked at the clock. Three pm. He faced his ceiling. He wanted to sleep. He really did. But he couldn't. Thoughts kept going trough his head. He couldn't stop thinking.

He closed his eyes. Trying to fall asleep. But all that came to mind were memories. His dad hitting him. Kate laughing. Kate dead on the ground. Jeanne's face when he told her the truth. The kid hugging his father. Gibbs wounded. Ziva and McGee not understanding him. To many memories. To many thoughts.

His eyes flew open. He stared at the ceiling. He did this often. Just stare. Trying not to think of anything. He needed help. He knew he did. But he didn't know what to do. Slowly he got up and walked to his living room. He sat down and looked around. Don't think. Of anything. That was safer.

He picked up his phone before he knew what he was doing. He didn't really think. He just dialled. Deep down he knew who he was calling. That's probably why he wasn't surprised to hear Gibbs voice. Unfortunately it was his voicemail. _You have reached Special Agent Gibbs. Can't take your call. Please leave a message. _

He hung up. He didn't think leaving Gibbs a message would do much good. He didn't think Gibbs even knew what a voicemail was. He felt bad. He didn't think he would feel this bad. Only hearing Gibbs scream at him for waking him up would have been enough. But Gibbs wasn't there. He was never there. He shook his head. Picking up the phone he started to dial again.

He stared at his phone. He had called every single member of his team. Nobody was there. Nobody cared enough. He didn't matter to them. He never had. He never would. He shook his head. He didn't know what to do. Maybe if he would just drive to Gibbs. He was sure he would always let him in. But he didn't. Gibbs didn't care about him. Not one of them did.

He shook his head. Without thinking he picked up the phone again. Thinking about it later he couldn't tell anyone why he had decided to call him. But he did. He could have hung up. But he didn't. He wished he did. "_DiNozo Residence. How can I help you?" "This is … Anthony DiNozzo. Is my father there?" "I'll see if he's awake sir." _Silence filed the room. He took a deep breath. He didn't know why he even made this phone call.

"_What the hell are you waking me up for?"_ He froze. He didn't know what was worse. Hearing his dad scream at him. Or being ignored by Gibbs. _"I just wanted to know how you were." "It's the middle of the night!" "I just got of work. I hadn't talk to you in a while…" "Idiot. Moron I don't even know what else to call you. Never call me in the middle of the night again. Unless you're dying… and even then I would think twice about it." _He didn't get time to say anything. His father had already hung up.

He was lying in his bed again. Staring at the ceiling. Unable to sleep. He was feeling worse then he had done an hour ago. His father's words had hurt him more than he would ever admit. But nothing hurt him more than the fact that Gibbs didn't take his call. Maybe he was already sleeping. Maybe he didn't hear it. But a part of him thought that Gibbs didn't care. That he didn't want to talk to him.

He didn't notice he fell asleep. He just kept thinking. About everything. He dreamed about Jeanne. He dreamed about Kate. And as usual when he dreamed about Kate he woke up bathing in sweat. And he felt so alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Memories

Memories

He kept staring at the ceiling. He tried to block out all the memories. But they wouldn't go away. Kate. Jeanne. Paula. His father. His mother. His friends. He closed his eyes. Slowly he drift off to sleep once again.

_Six year old Anthony DiNozzo tried to hug his father. His father turned his back to him. Told him to leave him alone. _

_Six year old Anthony DiNozzo sat in his mums car. They were going to be late. That's why she was speeding. She never saw the other car coming. _

_Six year old Anthony DiNozzo sat in his mums car. He remembered the other car. He remembered spinning around. He didn't remember going to sleep. He turned to see his mum. And wished for the rest of his life that he hadn't watched._

_Seven year old Anthony DiNozzo got into a little trouble at school. It wasn't really that bad. But his dad thought it was. He doesn't really remember what happened that night. He only remembers it hurt for three days._

_Eight year old Anthony DiNozzo walked trough the streets on his own. His dad was supposed to pick him up an hour ago. But he never showed. It didn't really matter. His dad was never there. Another night it wouldn't be so bad. But now he didn't know where he was. His dad was going to be so mad._

_Eight year old Anthony DiNozzo sat in the police station. Waiting. He was watching the nice police man work. They were waiting for his father. That's when he decided he wanted to be a cop. His dad suddenly walked in and pulled him out of there. He didn't sit for a week. _

_Ten year old Anthony DiNozzo had gotten used to being forgotten by his father. So when he couldn't find him in the hotel he didn't panic. He just went to his room and ordered room service. When his dad found out he was so mad. At him. That night he got drunk again. And all he can remember is the pain._

_Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo stood on the roof. Kate lied dead on the ground. He stood there unable to move. Unable to feel. He couldn't safe her. _

_Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo saw Paula run to the wall. He ran behind her. He couldn't get to her. He couldn't safe her. The wall protected him from the bomb. But not her. He couldn't safe her._

_Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo saw the shocked look on Jeanne's face when he told her the truth. His heart broke into a million pieces. But there was nothing he could do._

He opened his eyes again. To many memories. To many things that were destroyed. His mum. Paula. Kate. Jeanne. He always lost. No matter what happened, he always lost. So why, why did he keep trying? Why keep convincing himself that there were people who cared? Who loved him?

Nobody cared. And the people that did care disappeared. Most of them died. Some of them left. He would always end up broken. In pain. He could still hear his dad. _You're good for nothing. You'll end up in the gutter._ Maybe he had been right.

_Little Anthony DiNozzo lied in his bed at night. His dad was in the same house as he was. His nanny was in the room next door. He held onto his pillow. And he was scared._

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo lied in his bed. There was nobody else in the apartment. He held onto his pillow. But he was still scared.


	5. Chapter 5

All he needs

All he needs

The phone rang. He could hear it in the distance. But he didn't react. He expected somebody else to get up. Somebody else to pick it up.

The phone kept ringing. He wondered why nobody picked up. Then he remembered. He was all alone. His nanny had died many years ago. His father wasn't around. And Jeanne, Jeanne was gone.

The phone kept ringing. Slowly he got out of his bed. He picked up the phone without looking at the ID. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He didn't care who was on the phone. Just as long as he didn't have to sleep anymore.

"_DiNozzo!" "Boss. Why are you calling?" "We have a new case. Very important. Abby will send you the address. I want you there in 30 minutes. Got it?" "Yes boss."_ There came a long silence. He waited for Gibbs to hang up. He didn't want to think of what would happen if he would hang up on Gibbs. But nothing happened.

"_Something else boss?" "You tell me. You called me a couple of hours ago DiNozzo. Why?" _He didn't know what to say. Tell him. Tell him what you're feeling. Tell him you need to know if he cares. Tell him about your childhood. Tell him you feel guilty. Tell him you need somebody's help. Before you lose your mind completely. Just tell him. He'll be there. He cares.

" _No, nothing boss. Sorry. I dialed the wrong number." "You sure?" _No. Can't you see that I need you? Don't you know anything about me? Everything I'm telling you right now is a lie. Just help me. Just see that I need you. That I need somebody. _"Yes. I'm sure." "Alright I'll see you in 30 minutes." "See ya, boss." _

He stared at the phone. Why didn't he tell him? He needed help. He knew that. A part of him wanted to believe that Gibbs would always be there for him. But he couldn't believe that anymore. He just couldn't. He needed Gibbs. He just couldn't tell him.

So he got up and put on his clothes. He grabbed his gun and his badge. He took his keys and left the building. Leaving the memories and nightmares in his apartment. Trying not to think about it. Trying to forget everything.

When he got out of his car he saw them all there. Putting a smile on his face he walked to them. Playing his part. Just like every other day. They would never know. They never cared. But he wished that just for once they would see past his mask.

If they would they wouldn't see the playboy they thought he was. They would see a hurt little boy. Who just wants somebody to help him. To love him to care. Somebody who's scared. Somebody who needs them.

But they never look hard enough to see it. Not even Gibbs. And tonight is not different. They work on the crime scene. They go to their desks. They work for days. And nobody notices nobody sees. That all he needs is a helping hand. Just somebody who cares. Anybody.


	6. Chapter 6

Respect

Maybe

Tony sat in his car. Alone. Just like he always was. He was staring out the window. He wasn't really paying attention to what was outside. It was probably a good thing he wasn't driving. No. He was parked in the NCIS parking lot. Surrounded by cars. And yet he was all alone.

He was thinking about the events of the day. It had been a week since he called his boss in the middle of the night. And nothing had changed. Everybody still treated him the same. The thing that hit him the most was that nobody noticed that he called them. Nobody (not even Gibbs) noticed that he needed them.

The truth was he had started to feel a little better. Slowly the memory of the little boy started to fade. And he started to feel good. He made jokes, he quoted movies. And he convinced himself they cared. He almost managed to do so. And then today happened.

It had started out as a normal case. Dead petty officer. Just work. Nothing bad. And then Ziva made fun of him again. And they all laughed. Even Ducky. And then McGee left him there. Alone working on the crime scene. And Gibbs, Gibbs got mad at him. No matter what he said.

And he started to wonder. He started to wonder if maybe it was him. Maybe he had done something wrong. After all his father couldn't love him, the team didn't care about him. Maybe it was something he did. Maybe it was something about him. Maybe.

He looked out the window. Alone. They didn't care about him. They didn't respect him. Not even when he was leading them. All he ever heart was 'Gibbs this..' & 'Gibbs that…'. It had started to annoy him. No respect. Not even a little bit. No love. No friendship. No nothing.

And he thought. He really thought that things would change when Gibbs got back. But they didn't. Gibbs remembered everybody except for him. Why did he forget him? Subtle hint? He shook his head. Try to forget. Get out of the car. Just smile. Be happy. Be Tony.

But he couldn't. He couldn't get out of the car. He couldn't pretend anymore. Maybe if he just let his guard down. Maybe they would see then. Maybe they would understand. Maybe they would care. Maybe.

But he didn't really believe that. How many times had he almost died over the years? Nobody had cared. In fact the first thing they did was steal his stuff. Sit at his desk. Laugh with him. The only time it had been different was with the plague. But that was so long ago. So long.

If he would suddenly disappear nobody would care. Nobody would miss him. Hell, if last year had proven something to him, they would probably not even notice. Until it was to long. Maybe he should just end it all. Make sure they didn't have to deal with him anymore.

He didn't even notice he had grabbed his gun. He kept staring out the window. Just end it all. They won't care. He looked at the gun. He didn't even realize what he was doing. Not at first. Should he do it? Would they realize how messed up he was? Would they care realizing it was to late? Would they? Could he?

A phone ringing shattered his thought process. Slowly he took the phone out of his jacket. Without letting go of the gun he looked at the caller ID. Boss. '_DiNozzo.' 'DiNozzo. Where the hell are you? We're waiting for you! Get your ass up here right now.' _He said nothing. He just sat there. _'DiNozzo! DiNozzo! You there?' 'Yeah boss I'm here. I'll be up in a sec.' _

Slowly he put the phone away. He looked at the gun again. Then he got out of the car and walked to the building. Silently he sat down at his desk. For no longer then two minutes. '_DiNozzo. With me!' _Great. Here we go again. And sure as soon as the elevator doors closed Gibbs switched the elevator off.

'_Something wrong, Boss?' 'I was about to ask you. You alright DiNozzo?' 'yeah boss I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?' 'You tell me. You call me in the middle of the night. You looked like hell when you show up. You don't joke anymore. You don't quote movies. You're not you. What's happening?' _Everything inside him was telling him to just trow it out. Tell Gibbs everything he felt. Maybe if he got it out he'd feel better. But as always he didn't.

'_Nothing boss. I'm fine. Look I told you I dialed the wrong number.' 'Tony..' 'Seriously boss.;I'm fine. It was early in the morning I didn't sleep well. That's all. I'm fine.' _

And without saying another word he switched the elevator back on, got out and sat down at his desk. And all day long he felt Gibbs stare at him. But he didn't look up once.

And when he laid awake in his bed that night he couldn't help but feel. That his boss had offered him a hand and he hadn't taken it. And he wondered. If gibbs had been worried because he was his friend. Or because he was afraid he'd screw up the case.


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you for all the reviews. I'm glad you all like the story. _

* * *

End it all

Tony sat in his empty apartment. Staring at the almost empty bottle of scotch. He had lost count of how much he had drunk. It didn't really matter. No matter how much it was it simply wasn't enough. He wanted to forget. He wanted to get so drunk his mind would be a blur. But it wasn't working. It never worked. He simply couldn't forget.

He opened the bottle and poured out another glass. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there. It didn't matter. There was nobody waiting for him. Nobody cared. He could still hear Gibbs scream at him. Telling him he was an idiot. Ziva wondering to McGee why he was on the team. One little mistake.

He took a sip of the glass. He needed to clear his head. He needed to forget. He opened the bottle again. There was nothing in anymore. Empty bottle of scotch. Did he really drink all of that? Why hadn't he passed out yet? Why did he still remember?

Slowly he got up. He couldn't walk anymore. But somehow he still got to the closet. He had nothing. No alcohol. Noting to forget. Just one more beer. He sat down on the couch. Staring at the empty glass. He didn't know what to do anymore. He was falling. Falling and there was nobody left to catch him.

He grabbed the glass and threw it away. The glass scattered all around the room. He didn't notice. He didn't care. Slowly he got up and picked up the glass. It cut his hand. He didn't care. He wanted to feel. He wanted somebody to show up. He'd even take Sacks now. Anybody.

Getting up he walked to his room. Leaving the glass scattered on the ground. The empty bottle of scotch on the table. The lights on. The TV playing. He didn't notice. He didn't care. He sat down at his bed. Slowly he opened the drawer of the bed side table. His gun. His badge. His life.

He lied down on the bed. He closed his eyes. _Kate smiling at him. Kate by his side. Kate dead on the ground. Paula who was by his side. Paula running to the wall. Jeanne who loved him. Jeanne who held him. Jeanne who was now gone. Gibbs forgetting him. His stuff on his desk like it was garbage. Ziva laughing with him. McGee making fun of him. Ducky laughing. Abby not caring. Gibbs telling him he was an idiot. Ziva wondering why…_

He sat up. He couldn't close his eyes. He couldn't do anything. They didn't care. Nobody cared. Slowly he looked at the pictures on the bed side table. He grabbed the picture of his team. His family. How happy they looked. It was just a picture. A snapshot of a moment. A moment that was not real. He suddenly felt anger overpower him.

He threw it away. The frame broke in a million pieces. Shattered. Just like the team. His so called friends. Shattered. Nothing left. Nothing but pieces. Pieces of something that had once been. But was now gone. Maybe it had never been there. Maybe nobody had really cared. He grabbed the next picture. His college buddies. None of them remained. The picture hit the wall. Broken. Million pieces. Just like his life. Just like his heart.

He placed his head in his arms. Suddenly he noticed his hand was bleeding. Probably from the broken glass outside. It didn't matter. He didn't feel it. He wished he couldn't feel anything. Feel nothing. That's what he wanted. But it didn't happen. It would never happen. He closed his eyes. And opened them almost immediately. Try not to remember. Try to forget. He grabbed the next picture. Ready to throw it away.

He looked at it. And stopped. It was an old picture. Taken years ago. Him and Kate. Both of them together. And he remembered her. He smiled. He took the next picture. Paula. It was a picture of her alone. And the next was one of Jeanne. She smiled nervously at the camera. And then there was one of him and Jeanne. Slowly he laid them down on the bed. Next to each other. Four pictures. Three persons.

And he remembered. They had cared about him. They were his friends. His family. His love. Kate was always laughing with him. Always joking. Making fun. But she was always there when he needed her. Always by his side. She had his back. Always.

She was there when he caught the plague. She had lied to him to stay by his side. To make sure he wasn't alone. She slept in the same room that night. She brought him food every day. She watched movies with him. They had been good friends. She had been the only one who cared enough to stay by his side. But now she was gone. Taken from him.

And then there was Paula. They had been good together. But not as a couple. Paula had been right. They were to much alike. They loved hanging out together. But just as friends. There could never have been something more. She was the one who sat by his side the night Kate had died. She was the only one who asked him how he was doing. She was the one who called every night for four months after Kate died just to make sure he was alright.

She had cared. She had been by his side when he needed her. And he had been by her side. She was the reason he had told Jeanne he loved her. _Life's to short not to tell somebody you love them if you do. _He looked at the picture. She had cared about him. But she was also gone. Taken from him.

And then there was Jeanne. She was beautiful. Just like Kate. And nice. He remembered everything about her. Her laugh. Her hair. Her lips. Her eyes. The way she woke up in the morning. The way she kissed. The way she smiled at him when she saw him. The way she cared about her patients. The way she cared about him.

He remembered everything they had shared. She could see right trough him. She cared about him. She knew when to hold him. She knew when to leave him alone. She was always by his side. She cared about him. But she was also gone. Taken from him. And it was all his fault. He should have just said no to the director. But he did try to get out of it. He told Jenny he was in over his head. But she didn't care. Just like the rest of them.

And he sat there. Staring at the pictures. Remembering them. He didn't hear anything else. He didn't car about anything else. Three persons. Four pictures. Was this really his life? Were this the only ones who cared? Did none of the other? Did they ever care? Did Gibbs ever?

_**Flashback**_

He was lying on the bed. Dying. He knew he was. No matter what Brad told him. He didn't mind the blue. Not anymore. He actually like it. He took slow breaths. Just like nurse Emma told him to. She was beautiful. But he didn't care. He wanted Kate by his side.

He heard the doors open. Brad and Emma were suddenly gone. He closed his eyes. Ready to drift away. _'Tony listen to me. Are you listening.'_ He had never felt so relieved to hear his boss voice. He had trouble breathing. Talking didn't seem like a good idea. But not answering Gibbs was an even worse idea. _'I'm listening boss.' 'You will not die you got that?'_ He heard him. But he didn't believe him. He closed his eyes. He felt a soft tap on his head. His eyes flew open._ 'I said you will not die.'' I Gotcha boss'_

_**End flashback**_

He had cared once. Gibbs. In that blue room he had cared. He had cared when he disappeared. He had cared so many years ago. But not anymore. He had stopped caring after he got blown up. Maybe he had never cared. Maybe he had just felt guilty. Guilty he didn't open the letter. Guilty he let him go alone to that bar. He didn't care. Not now. Maybe he never had.

He didn't even notice he took the gun. It lied in front of him. And he just sat there. Probably for hours. He didn't know how late it was. He didn't care. His hand was still bleeding his apartment was a mess. But he didn't care. He stared at the pictures. He stared at the gun. His life. Was this really all of it? Four pictures. And a bunch of memories.

Slowly he took the bullets out of the gun. And he stared at them. And he wondered. How something so little could end his suffering. Give him a new life. End all the pain. Slowly he placed them back in the gun. And he sat there. Staring at the pictures. Staring at the gun. Remembering. He felt the tears well up in his eyes. But he remained there. Staring.

In the distance he could hear the phone ring. It didn't matter. It wouldn't be important. He heart the answering machine go on. He thought he recognized Abby's voice. He didn't care. He just sat there. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

His cell phone rang. It was on the bed side table. He picked it up. He looked at the caller ID. Boss. He kept looking at it. The phone kept ringing. He had never ignored a phone call from his boss. Never. He had to be dead. Dying. Or suicidal. But he was. Slowly he put the phone down. It stopped ringing. Voice mail. He didn't even know if Gibbs had ever left him a message. He didn't even know if Gibbs knew what a voice mail was. Didn't matter.

He picked up the gun. He stared at the pictures. Kate. Paula. Jeanne. Three persons. The only ones who really cared. Three of them. And they were all gone. Dead. Or just disappeared. Jeanne was never coming back. He knew that. Even if she still loved him. Even if she knew he loved her. She wouldn't come back. She just wouldn't.

And Kate and Paula. Dead. Never to come back. He looked at the gun. One shot. One shot and he'd be with them. Together. With people who cared about him. He could just go. He closed his eyes. He heart the phone ring again. He didn't care. Part of him wanted to pick up. But he didn't. He remained there. Staring at the pictures.

He lifted the gun. He felt the cold gun against his warm head. He looked at the pictures again.

Jeanne. _"I love you. Know you have to figure out if you feel the same way." " I love you Jeanne." She held him close to her. I love you. He kissed her. She gave him the bracelet. She smiled at him. _

Paula. '_We're to much alike.' ' When did you become so caring?' ' Life's to short not to tell someone you love them if you really do'. She smiled at him. She gave him a hug after Kate died. She cheered him up. She was amazed when he found the secret door. She smiled at him. She saved him. _

Kate._ Kate asked him how he got into NCIS. Kate smiled at him. He threw food at her, she threw it back. They fought. She elbowed him. She came up from behind the shower curtain. They pretended to be a couple. She thanked him when he took her to Paraguay. She smiled at him. She was by his side when he caught the plague. She didn't care if she could get sick to. _

By his side. Caring. The three of them. He could be back with Paula and Kate. Just one shot.

He closed his eyes. He remembered them. Paula. Jeanne. Kate. The three of them. He couldn't forget them. He could never forget them. He placed his finger on the trigger.

He took a deep breath. Ready to do it. Ready to end it all. Ready to be with someone who cared. They wouldn't miss him. They just wouldn't.

He was ready. Ready to end it all.


	8. Chapter 8

I can feel it

I can feel it

Abby saw the change in him. She did. But she thought it would pass. She didn't see how hurt he was. How much it had hurt to lose Jeanne. She didn't see how much he depended on them, on Gibbs, to be alright. Not until today. Today she had seen in his eyes something she had never seen before. Pain. Fear. Depression.

Today she had seen it in his eyes. And it frightened her. It did. She had no idea what happened but something cost the switch in him. She could almost see him giving up. She wanted to help him. Hug him. But he left before she could. She didn't see him again. So she pushed It away. That feeling that something was terribly wrong with Tony, she pushed it away.

And now she sat at home. Staring at the phone. And she wondered. She wondered if she hadn't done the wrong thing. And now she regretted it. She regretted deciding not looking for him. Not trying to listen to him. She hated herself for not looking for him. For not seeing something was terribly wrong. For not going after him.

And she knew. She knew something was terribly wrong with Tony. She could feel it. And she was not the kind of person to ignore what she was feeling. Tony was in trouble. She could feel it. So she took her phone and dialled his number. Hoping he would just pick up. Hoping that it was all her imagination. That she was wrong.

_Hey. You've reached Tony DiNozzo. I'm not here. Leave a message. _He didn't pick up. And now she was sure. Sure of the fact something was wrong with him. She could feel it. She heart the beep. _Tony. Tony I'm worried about you. Please, please pick up. Please._ She kept whispering his name and please. Hoping it would make him pick up. But nothing happened.

She hung up and felt worse than before. She realised she was shaking. Something was wrong with Tony. She just knew it. She did. She dialled Gibbs number. Desperate to hear the voice of the one man who would fix everything. She just hoped she didn't get an answering machine again.

Gibbs sat in his basement staring at his boat. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with Tony. He knew he shouldn't have screamed at him. But he had always thought that Tony realized that what he screamed, he didn't mean it. It was the heat of the moment. It was. He didn't mean to scream. But he did. And he saw the hurt in his eyes. It had been something he had never seen before.

He had promised himself he would talk to Tony once the case was finished. But Tony left before he got the chance. And he decided against going to his apartment. Why he had no idea. But he did. And now he sat here. He flipped his phone open without looking at the ID. Probably the first time he was shocked to hear Abby's voice. He had been convinced it would be DiNozzo.

'_Gibbs! Gibbs! You have to do something. Something's wrong with Tony?' 'How do you now Abs?' 'I just do. I called him. And I asked him to pick up. And he didn't he always picks up Gibbs. And I know you think I'm probably overreacting but you didn't see the pain in his eyes. And I know Tony. I know something's wrong with Him. I can feel it Gibbs!' 'Abbs! Stay on the line. I'll call him.' _

And he did. And Tony didn't pick up. And he knew; He knew something was wrong. He knew Abby was right. Because no matter where Tony was he never ignored a phone call from him. _'Abbs you still there?' 'Yes!' 'Ok. Call him again. I'm going to his apartment.' 'He didn't pick up?' 'No. He didn't.' _He hung up without further explanations. He ran to his car and drove.

He had never driven so fast in his life. Never. Yes he went fast on occasions but this this had been really fast. Something was wrong with Tony. And he couldn't shake the feeling of that somehow it was all his fault. Why hadn't he pushed Tony? Why hadn't he made him tell what was wrong? Why did he let it go so easily? Why?

He ran up the stairs. Past a lot of surprised people. He ran to his door. And stopped. He shook his head. _Please, oh god please. Don't let me have forgotten the keys!_ He didn't have the keys. Great. He'd break the door if he had to. He could always buy a new door. But he needed Tony. He ran into the apartment. The television was playing. There was an empty bottle on the table. There was glass on the floor. The light was burning in the bedroom. Something was wrong. Slowly he started to walk towards the open door.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Hey! Thanks for all the reviews. Never thought people would like this story. _**

**_I just saw Judgement day. Oh my god. Did they really have to end it there? Seriously! I wanted to see their reactions. I'm really mad at the writers now. Seems like every show I watch ends in a cliffhanger! aaaah!!_**

**_anyway I just wanted to say that and also hold a moment of silence for Jenny. (I didn't really like her but still it was sad that she died. Especially alone.)_**

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**_And the moment is over. enjoy!_**

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Voices

Tony sat on his bed. The gun still to his head. It felt cold against his hot skin. And he sat there. Counting down. Counting down the remaining seconds of his life. His eyes were closed. And he remembered. He remembered Kate. He remembered Paula. He remembered Jeanne. And he waited. He didn't know what he was waiting for. Someone to save him? Someone to care?

He kept counting. The gun still to his head. His finger at the trigger. All he had to do was pull it. Pull it. Just one time. One shot. One bullet. It would end his life. It would end his pain. And he'd be with them. Paula and Kate. Two people who cared. He would be with them. All he had to do was pull the trigger. And he was going to do it. This was the end of his life.

Somehow he had always imagined his life to end differently. But you can't know everything. You can't know how your life is going to go. Nobody told him his father was going to hurt him. Nobody told him that he was going to see Kate die. Nobody told him that Paula was going to save his life. Nobody told him he was going to fall in love with the one person he could not fall in love with. Jeanne. Nobody told him. Nobody explained.

And he sat there. One shot. One bullet. The end of his life. Kate. Paula. Jeanne. Memories. Pain. Defeat. Tears. Hurt. Gun at his head. Cold against hot. Finger on the trigger. Memories. Pain. It hurt. And he just wanted it to stop. Memories. Kate. _'Don't do it Tony!'_ His eyes flew open. He could have sworn he heard her voice. His Katie.

He looked around. The room was empty. He was alone. It was all his imagination. His mind playing tricks on him. He closed his eyes again. The gun still at his head. Cold against hot. _'No Tony. Don't.' _His eyes flew open again. _'Paula.'_ He whispered softly. But there was nobody there. It was all in his mind. His mind was playing tricks on him. Making him believe they were there. With him. All in his imagination. All in his head.

He closed his eyes again. Ready to pull the trigger this time. And stopped. He shook his head slightly. He couldn't do it. He had to do it. He had to make it stop. It hurt to much. It had to stop. He took a deep breath. Ready to do it. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He felt weak. So weak. _'You're weak boy. You'll never make it!'_ His fathers voice roared in his head. And he knew. His father was right. He was weak.

But he couldn't do it. He was weak. He couldn't do it. Slowly he let go of the gun. He heart it fall on the sheet next to him. He sighed. He opened his eyes. He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Slowly he took the pictures out of the frames. Couldn't do it. Couldn't stay. Had to run away. Get away from the pain. Slowly he got up. He looked at the pictures in his hand. Blood.

His hand was still bleeding. He couldn't feel it. He didn't care. Slowly he walked to the door. He could hear the glass break under his feet. It didn't matter. He didn't care. Slowly he put on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and his keys and left. He didn't lock the door. He didn't look back He didn't care. He left the TV playing. The empty bottle on the table. He left the glass on the floor. Blood from his hand and feet all over the apartment. He left the gun on the bed. And his cell phone somewhere there. And he left. Without looking back.

He went downstairs. He never saw Gibbs. Slowly he got into his car and drove. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away. As far away as possible he didn't care where he was going. He didn't care where he was going. He didn't care if nobody knew where he was going. He didn't care.

But he was sure. He was sure he heard them. He didn't know if it was a figment of his imagination. Maybe it was just in his head. But for a moment he had been sure. He heard them. They were there. They still cared. Paula and Kate. He had heard it. Their voices.


	10. Chapter 10

The search

The search

Gibbs walked trough Tony's apartment. He knew something was wrong. He heard the TV play in the background. It didn't matter. He wished he would walk into his room and find DiNozzo there sleeping. But he knew he wouldn't. His gut was telling him. Slowly he walked to the open bedroom door.

He heard glass break under his shoe. He looked down. There was glass everywhere. Broken picture frames. Pieces. He looked at the pictures. Their team. Broken picture frame. Was that how Tony saw things. He saw another picture frame. People he had never seen. They did not matter to him. The only one that mattered was Tony.

He kept looking at the pictures. He didn't want to look up. For some reason he felt scared. Scared to look up. Afraid of what he would find. He wasn't normally afraid. Once. Once he had felt this fear. Shannon and Kelly. But now it was Tony. And it was different. This time he was responsible. He just knew it.

But he couldn't keep his head down forever. At some point he had to look up. Empty. The room was empty. Tony wasn't there. Slowly he walked to the bed. Three empty picture frames lied there. His gun next to it. He turned to the bedside table. His badge was in there. He turned back to the bed. For the first time he noticed the blood.

Blood. It wasn't a lot but it was there. Fear. He felt fear. And anger. He was so angry. But not at Tony at himself. At his team. Why did nobody see he was in trouble? Why did nobody push him to tell them? Why didn't he? He turned around. Walked back to the door. There was blood everywhere. He took a deep breath. Think logically. There's glass everywhere. He could have simply cut himself.

He took his phone and dialled his number. He heard Tony's cell phone go off somewhere behind him. Damn. He hung up and called abby. '_Gibbs! And?' 'He's not here abs.' 'What do you mean he's not there. What happened.' 'I don't know Abby. Look we have to find him. You call Ducky, I'm calling McGee and Ziva. We have to find him. Now!' 'Is it that bad?' 'It's worse.' _Without further explanation he hung up.

'_Timothy McGee.' 'McGee!' 'Boss?' 'Have you seen DiNozzo?' 'Tony? No. Not since I left the office. Why what happened?' 'Damn. Call Ziva tell her to come to Tony's apartment. We have to find him. Now.' _He hung up. This was bad. He couldn't stop thinking. Where had tony gone? Where? Why hadn't he seen he needed help?

Hard he slapped himself. He should have helped Tony. He knew Tony called him for a reason that night. Why didn't he push him? Why was solving a damn case more important to him then his senior field agent. His friend? The man that was the closest thing to a son he had ever had? He couldn't lose him. But by the looks of the apartment tony wasn't alright. He wasn't alright at all.

They made record time. Less then fifteen minutes after he had called McGee his entire team stood there. Including Palmer. How Palmer had gotten there he had no idea.

Ziva looked around the apartment. It was bad. He wasn't alright. How could she not have seen this. He was her partner. How could she not have seen this? How could she not have helped him. She heard Gibbs tell her what to do. Drive around. Find him. She would drive all night. IF only to save him from himself.

McGee looked around the room. He felt guilty. How long had he known Tony? And yet he had not seen he was in trouble. He had to be the worse friend in the world. How could he not have seen this. Why did he laugh with him? How could he not have seen Tony wasn't himself. He had to find him. If only to apologise for laughing. For not seeing.

Abby felt her heart break as she looked around the room. She would never ever ignore a feeling again. She knew something was wrong with Tony. And she did nothing. They had to find him. Now.

And so they went of. All in their own direction. In search of Tony. And they all felt the same thing. Fear. And guilt. Because they couldn't help but think that somehow this was all their fault.


	11. Chapter 11

forget

forget

Tony stared at the glass in front of him. He was sitting in some bar. He knew he always came here. He knew the bartender. But he didn't care. He hadn't done it. He couldn't kill himself. And now he sat here. All alone. Just like he always was. He didn't take his gun nor his badge. He didn't even take his phone.

He drank. He wanted to forget everything. Everything that had ever happened to him. He wanted to forget everything. He took another sip. The glass was empty. He put in on the counter. _'Hey. James. Give me another one.' 'Tony. You've had enough.' 'No.' 'Look at you. You need to go home. Whatever it is it can never be this bad.' 'Listen! Am I paying you to be my shrink or am I paying you to give me another drink.' 'You're paying for the drink.' 'Then give me another one.' 'Give me your car keys.' 'What?' 'You want another drink then give me your car keys.'_

He grabbed the glass. And took another sip. But he still remembered. He still didn't forget. He wanted to forget. Everything. He wanted to forget Kate's smile. Paula's reassuring smile. Jeanne's beautiful eyes. He wanted to forget them. The kid hugging his father. His father hitting him. His mother dead in the car. Gibbs screaming. McGee laughing. Ziva wondering. Ducky laughing. He drank. He wanted to forget.

Gibbs stood in his basement. They had looked everywhere. Everywhere they could think off. ZIva and McGee were still looking. He heard the door open. For a second he thought it was DiNozzo. But it wasn't. Abby and Ducky. He sighed. He placed his hand on his boat. He didn't know where to look for him. It had only hit him today that he really didn't know that much. Not enough.

He didn't know where he would go if he was depressed. He didn't know why he was this way. He hadn't seen something was happening. What a great friend he was. What a great boss. He had not seen. How could he not have seen? How?

Tony got out of the cab. He threw all the money he had left at the driver. He didn't care how much it was. He could hardly stand on his legs. Walking was even harder. Slowly he opened the door. And fell down. The knocked something over. He hoped it wasn't something important. His boss would kill him if it was. He took a deep breath. And heard a voice.

Abby had cried. He could see that. He wished he could do something. But there was nothing he could do. He felt her hug him. And then he heard it. Something being knocked over. Eveyone looked up. _'Who's there?' 'Boss?' _'_DiNozzo! That you.' 'yes' _Something fell over. _'Oops.' 'Tony!' 'Where are you?' 'Basement.'_

Tony fell over something. He smiled. It felt weird he hadn't done that in a long time. But he couldn't help it. Must be the alcohol. He heard his boss scream basement. And he had to think. Basement…basement…Right downstairs. He had to take the stairs. Oh that definitely wouldn't end well. Slowly he got back up and started to walk to the door.

He looked down the stairs. And saw Abby, Ducky and Gibbs. Great. Not another party without him right. He started to go down the stairs. And fell over his own feet. And he rolled all the way down. He heard Abby scream. Once he reached the bottom he felt Gibbs and Ducky by his side. And he laughed.

He couldn't help it. He had to laugh. Alcohol. He laughed. He couldn't stop. He had never laughed this hard in his life. He felt his boss arms around him. Saw their worried faces. But still couldn't stop. He laughed. _'Boss. I fell of your stairs.' _He kept laughing. _'I can see that Tony. You hurt?' 'no.' _He felt them get him up his feet. He fell almost immediately. He felt his boss hold him tight. And he laughed even harder if that was possible.

Gibbs looked at Tony. He was drunk. He had seen that immediately. And currently he was laughing. Slowly he put him down on a chair. _'How much did you drink.' 'Not enough.'_ He wondered. What did he mean by that. He was definitely drunk. Wasn't that enough? But he could worry about that later. He had seen Abby run upstairs. Maybe she went to get water or to make coffee. It didn't matter.

Abby ran up the stairs. She needed to help. Coffee. She had heard somewhere that coffee would help. And Gibbs definitely had coffee in his house. It was impossible he didn't have coffee in his house. She started to make it. When she was almost done she heard them come up behind him. She turned around. He looked so broken. So helpless. She needed something to do.

Tony heard Gibbs tell him to come with him. He didn't care. He had drunk enough not to care. He still remembered. But for a while he at least didn't feel the pain. And it was a relieve. A relieve not to have to feel this. He took a deep breath. He almost fell of the stairs again as he went up. And he still didn't stop laughing.

Gibbs placed Tony down on the couch. He could not take him to the extra room. It had taken forever to get him up those stairs. He saw Ducky sit down beside Tony. To see if he was alright. But he would be. Drunk people don't break. They bent. He looked at Tony. He seemed so helpless. He wished there was something he could do. But there was nothing he could do not tonight.

Tony closed his eyes. He had not succeeded in forgetting. But at least it didn't hurt so much. He felt somebody put a warm blanket over him. He opened his eyes. Gibbs. Ducky was standing in the kitchen. He felt a hand on his shoulder. Abby. They were all there. And for the first time in a long time he felt that maybe they did care. Just a little bit.

But it was a pity it had to come this far for them to show him. And he felt the sudden urge to say it. _'Gibbs._' _'What?' 'it won't go away. It hurts all the time. It won't stop.' 'What hurts Tony.' 'Everything.'_ He closed his eyes. And before he knew it he drift off to sleep.

A peaceful sleep. No dreams. NO nightmares. No memories. Just darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

**wow this story is turning out to be a lot longer then I intended. Never thought so many people would like it. Anyway thanks for all the great reviews.**

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Screaming on the inside

He moved a little in his sleep. He was starting to wake up and he knew it. But he felt so comfortable their. So protected. He just wanted to stay were he was. In the darkness. Where he felt nothing. Where there were no memories. No dreams. Nothing but darkness.

But he couldn't stay. Without wanting to he could see light coming trough the darkness. After a while the darkness was completely gone. He had no choice. He had to open his eyes. Time to face the big bad world he told himself. He opened his eyes.

He wasn't in his apartment. Slowly the memories from the previous night came back. The gun. The broken glass. The pictures. Jeanne. Kate. Paula. The drinks in the bar. The fall down the stairs. His memory pretty much ends there. He looks around.

Ducky and abby are sitting in the kitchen. Probably eating. Gibbs was sitting next to the couch. '_Tony_ _you awake?' 'Yeah boss.' 'How are you doing.'_ Great boss. I almost killed myself last night. I feel like nobody cares. I drank everything I could drink. I don't know how to reach out for help. I need help. I'm not alright. Can't you see that? Why are you asking that! _'I'm fine boss.'_

He tries to sit up. Bad idea. The room spins around. He feels his boss arms around him. _'It's ok Tony.'_ He looks up. Gibbs hardly ever calls him Tony. He shook his head. He feels Ducky coming to sit beside him. Abby tries to make him eat something. Gibbs just sits there. Looking at him. Just looking.

Gibbs looked at Tony. He looked bad. He usually looked so happy. But today he had seen trough his mask. And he didn't like what he saw. He looked broken. He needed help. But he could only help him if Tony talked to him. He saw Abby giving him food. Ducky checking him out. Talking would have to wait. Again.

He took a cold shower. Now he's staring at himself in the mirror. He heard Abby leave. Ducky and Gibbs are probably outside. Waiting for him. He can't bring himself to leave yet. He puts his hands in his jacket. Nothing. The pictures. They were gone. He opened the door and slowly walked outside. They weren't gone. They were on the table. Gibbs probably took them out.

'_Anthonny my boy. I see you are back with us.' 'I'm fine Duck. I can go home now. If I can just get my pictures back…' _He sees the look in Gibbs eyes and never finishes his sentence. He isn't going anywhere. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he needs to talk. Somebody to listen to him. Somebody to care. Just somebody.

He sits down on the couch. Gibbs sits down next to him. Ducky at the other side. And they just sit there. In complete silence. He's looking at the pictures again. His life. The people who cared. His feet hurt. He looks down. For the first time he actually notices the bandages. Flashes of the night before come to mind. He remembers stepping over the broken mirrors.

They sit there. He wanted to stay that way forever. But he knew that eventually somebody was going to break it. _'Talk to us Tony.' 'I don't have anything to say.' 'Tony..' 'I'm fine' 'You weren't fine last night.' 'I'm sorry I bothered you ok! Boss I'm really sorry. It won't happen again.' _He moves forwards and grabs the pictures. He tries to get up but he can't.

He looks at Tony. He hears him say he's alright. And he knows. He knows it's a lie. He doesn't know why he never saw it before. He sees him reaching for the pictures. It takes a while to register what he said. He thinks that's what this is about? He thinks he bothered him. Oh damn tony. He sees him trying to get up. And fail. Slowly he places a hand on his shoulder.

'_Talk to me Tony.' 'About what.' 'What's wrong with you.' 'I'm fine.' 'You're not. I saw your apartment' 'Just a couple of accidents.' 'The gun was lying on your bed.' 'Boss it's not like I really pulled the trigger.'_ Silence fell. Had he really sad that out loud. From the shocked looks on Ducky and Gibbs faces he reckons he did. He couldn't stay here. Slowly he got up and started to run to the door.

He heard him say it. He was shocked. Tony tried to kill himself? How could he not have seen his agent was in so much trouble. That he needed a hand to pull him back up. How could he have allowed for Tony to fall in such a deep depression that he thought about killing himself? Great friend he was. He saw Tony getting up and starting to run.

He ran. His feet hurt. But he didn't care. He had to get away. He rand. Behind him he could hear Gibbs and Ducky scream after him. It didn't matter. He could hear them scream but from miles away. Because there was nothing harder then the screaming in his head.

He felt his feet give up. His knees buckled. He felt his legs give in. He fell down on the street. He didn't hear the footsteps behind him. Nor did he hear somebody say his name. He didn't feel the strong arms around him.

All he heard was the screaming on the inside. All he felt was pain. He was screaming so loudly. But nobody heard. It was only in his head. Only inside.


	13. Chapter 13

Rock bottom

Rock bottom

Tony sank down on the ground. Screaming in his head. He didn't hear Gibbs call out his name. He didn't feel his strong arms around him. Not at first. After a couple of seconds he realized Gibbs was holding him. Pulling him close to him. Protecting him.

He leaned against his boss. Tears rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't pretend. Not anymore. He was to tired. So tired. Suddenly he felt another pair of arms around him. Slowly he felt how Ducky and Gibbs got him on his feet. Slowly they walked back to the house.

Gibbs felt his heart break at the sight of Tony crying. He had never seen Tony cry. Not when Kate died. Not when Paula died. He was the strong one. Letting Abby cry on his shoulder. Holding on to McGee. He didn't cry. Not where anyone could see him.

But now he looked so broken. Shattered. And he wondered. Was this really all his fault? Was he really such a bastard? He used all his strength to walk tony to the house. He was going to help him. It didn't matter how. But he was going to get Tony back on his feet. If it was the last thing he did.

Tony lied on the bed. Ducky and Gibbs had left him here. He could hear their voices far away. It didn't matter. He didn't care. He closed his eyes. Softly he felt himself drift of to sleep. He didn't hear the door open again. He didn't see the look of worry in Gibbs eyes. He slept. But it wasn't peacefull.

_He stood on the beach. And he wondered. How did he get here? Slowly it began to dawn to him that this could be a dream. He looked at the ocean. It was so peaceful here. He wanted to stay here forever. He heard a voice call for him in the distance. He turned around. Started to run. And found himself staring at a bench. There he had told Jeanne the truth. There he had lost Jeanne. He turned around and ran. As fast as his feet could carry him. He found himself in a dark room. Paula stood there. He tried to reach to her. She was to far away. A bomb went of. He screamed her name. Noting left. He fell on his knees. Bowed his head. Opened his eyes again. Standing on a rooftop. No, no, no he didn't want to remember this. He didn't want to. But he had no choice. She laughed. A bullet hit her. She fell down. He put his hand on his cheek. Blood. Her blood. Marked. He screamed…_

He shot up in the bed. Breathing heavily. Bathing in sweat. It wasn't a new dream. He looked at his hands. He was shaking. He looked at the door. Nobody came. He must have only screamed in his dream. Maybe they just didn't care. He shook his head. Remembered his boss embrace. They did care. He hoped.

Slowly he got on his feet. Shaking. Fear. Pain. Tears. Sweat. Slowly he walked. To the door. He couldn't lie down. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't see them not again. He just couldn't. He kept walking. One foot in front of another. That's all there was to it. Just walk. He took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself down.

But he couldn't. He saw Paula standing there. Kate dead on the ground. Jeanne's shocked face. He couldn't. He couldn't. He kept walking. He walked in the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. Blood. There was blood on his face. He knew it was all in his head. But he could see the blood. Feel the blood. Almost taste the blood.

He turned on the water. Splashing it in his face. It didn't go away. The blood was still there. He splashed more water in his face. It didn't go away. He closed his eyes. Took a couple of deep breaths. Tried to calm himself down. Deep breaths. He opened his eyes again. The blood was still there. She was still there. They all were.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't live like this. He felt his knees go weak. He started to cry. He screamed at his reflection. He couldn't do this. His knees gave in. He fell down on the ground. The door opened. Gibbs came running in.

Gibbs was talking to Ducky. Trying to find a way to help Tony. When he heard his senior field agent scream. He looked up. It only took him five seconds to get upstairs. He opened the door of his bathroom. There he was. The man that was like a son to him. Crying uncontrollably on the floor. Trying to catch his breath. He reacted fast.

He somebody pull him in a strong embrace. While another pair of hands patted on his back. He cried. He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Kate. Paula. Jeanne. Why? He couldn't deal with this. Not with this pain.

He had hit rock bottom and he knew it. He saw there faces. His heart broke more. He felt two strong arms around him. And he knew. He had hit rock bottom.

There was a silver lightening. Just a little one.

Because when you've hit rock bottom all you can do is go back up.


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm really sorry it took so long. I didn't really know how to continue and then i got a little overwelhmed with school work. **

**I hope you still like it and please review. **

A walk 

He takes a step. He takes a deep breath. He knows that Gibbs and Ducky will be worried about him. But if he stays in that house one more second he will blow up. Two weeks he has seen nothing but the walls of that room. And he is sick of them. He can do this. All he has to do is take a step.

He doesn't know where he is going. But he keeps going. He still doesn't feel much better. The silver lining is perhaps that he knows that suicide is not the way. Take a step. Take a breath. Don't think. Don't remember. His feet seem to be leading the way.

He stops as he reaches the park. The park where he once played as child. The park he walked through with Kate. Slowly he starts to walk trough the park. He takes no notice of the people around him. He knows they are probably staring at him. He has not cared about anything but the walls for two weeks. He must look like hell. He still does not care.

His feet hurt. Almost screaming at him to stop walking. But he does not. He keeps going. Perhaps he wants to feel the pain. To tell him he's alive. Perhaps he's just scared that if he stops walking he'll never start again. And he refuses to stand still. He refuses to break down in front of all these people. In front of complete strangers.

He takes no notice of time. He doesn't know how much time has passed. Nor does he care. Perhaps they will be worried. Perhaps they will not. He is past the point of caring. For a moment he wonders if this is what it feels like to be numb. But he does not care about that either. He just keeps walking.

Take a step. Take a breath. Don't stop. Don't cry. Don't break. You can do this. He doesn't need them. He just has to keep on walking. Show the world. Show yourself. That you can do this. That he can just take a walk. Just like any other normal person. He wonders if there are other people who have to tell this to themselves. Or if perhaps he is alone in this to.

Tony keeps walking. He sees the trees at his sides. He hears the birds sing in the sky. The sun shines. He sees a mother bird fly to her children and feed them. He smiles. He almost forgot how to do that. And suddenly he feels better. Just a little. He looks around. Taking notice for the first time of the things around him. That's when he sees it.

The bench. The bench in the park. There where he had sat down with Jeanne and finally told her the truth. Slowly he walks to the bench. Placing his hand on it he lets out a sigh. Try not to think about it. Take a deep breath. Keep on walking. He tries to tell himself. But his feet will not listen. Instead he sinks down and sits down on the bench.

For a second he feels that he is there again. Sitting on the bench. Seeing her walk out of his life. Forever. But he is not. He is here. Not there. And for a second he lets his mind wonder. He could not have saved Kate. He could not have saved Paula. But he could have stopped Jeanne. He could have gone after her. And he wonders if that will haunt him for the rest of his life. This feeling of what if.

What if he had followed her? Would she have trust him again? Would they be together. Or would nothing have been different? Was the betrayal perhaps to big. The pain to deep? Had he destroyed that girl? Was he as evil as his father? Or was he just a human. In love with the wrong person. Would he one day feel happy again.

Slowly he gets up. And walks out of the park. He could go back. Back to that same room. But he refuses to be locked up for the rest of his life. It was his life and he would choose were to take it to next. All he had to do is keep on walking. One day everything would be better right?

Take a step. Take a breath. Don't stop walking. Don't break. Keep going forward. Don't look back.

Just take a walk. A simple walk.


	15. Chapter 15

**I am so sorry that it took me so long to update. But I didn't know how to continue this story. I have however now finished it. THere are four more chapters and I'm posting them all today. Please read and review. **

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Time passes

Time passes. For everyone.

It doesn't matter what you're doing. It doesn't matter what you're going trough. Time will always keep on going. It doesn't stop for everyone. For some people time passes to quickly. For some, time goes to slow.

Especially at night.

As he lies in his bed and stares at the clock. Every minute that passes seems like a lifetime. Thoughts run trough his mind. Thoughts he wished he could escape. Thoughts you never wanted to think again. But you can't wish them away. You can't stop thinking.

And you can't fall asleep. So you can't escape them.

You thought that with time it would get better. That your friends would help you trough it all. And they did. They tried to help you. But none of them understood how far down you actually were. No on saw how much pain you were in.

You don't know what hurts the most.

That they didn't see how much it hurt the first time. Or that once time passed they thought it would pass as well. And you could fool them. The same way you did before. With smiles and stories.

6 months have passed.

But the pain doesn't go away. It won't go away. The nightmares won't disappear. The thoughts keep rushing trough your head. And you wish it would just go away. But you don't want to kill yourself. Because you know that Paula and Kate would want you to live.

But, oh, it hurts so much.

You try not to think. But you can't escape the thoughts. The memories. You keep breathing in and out. You breath trough the pain. And no matter how much it hurts you are aware of one thing. You are still alive. Despite everything that has happened to you. Despite all the pain.

You are still alive.

You want to stop thinking. You want to sleep. But sleep won't come. Instead, you watch the clock. As another minute passes by.

Slow but steady.


	16. Chapter 16

Knock on the door

There's a knock on your door.

You are still watching your clock. As time passes so slowly, you swear your clock is broken. Then there's a knock on your door. It's a clear sound. It breaks trough the silence. You sit up in your bed.

You're not expecting anyone.

It's midnight. It's not like somebody would come and visit you now. It's to late. You wonder if perhaps you didn't imagine it. If it was just a dream. You listen intently but there's no more sound. It must have been your imagination.

You lay back down and watch the clock again.

A minute passes, then another. Suddenly there's another knock on your door. You sit back up and listen intently. Another knock. Then another. Who could want to visit you this late? Who could want to see you? There's nobody left.

Your phone rings suddenly.

You take it off your bedside table. Gibbs. Could it be Gibbs standing at your door? Why would he come by so late? What could be his reason. Perhaps it is not him. Perhaps it I someone else. You answer the call.

He's not standing at your door.

He is just calling to check in. Perhaps you are wrong. Perhaps he does see trough your mask. He just doesn't want to push you. You tell him you're fine and you hang up.

There's another knock on your door.

And you don't know if you should get up. You don't know if it is important. You take another look at your clock. Five minutes have passed. And however it is still standing at your door. It must be important, you think.

You get up and walk to the door.

You open it without knowing who it is. When you think about this later you know how stupid it was. It could have been anyone. Yet you went to open your door without your gun, without a weapon close by. Without even asking who it is. It could have been someone dangerous.

In some way it is. It's your father.

You stand there looking at each other for a long time before one of you speaks. He asks if you will let him in. You step aside without a word. A voice deep inside of you is screaming not to let him in. To watch your back. To be careful. You tell that voice to be silent.

This is your father. He won't hurt you.

And you forget all the times he beat you up. You forget all the times he hurt you. You're shocked. Something must have happened for him to suddenly show up at your door. In the middle of the night. You ask him if he wants something to drink. He says he can't.

You sit down on the sofa. You sit there for a long time before he finally starts talking. He tells you of his latest visit to his doctor. He tells you he has a liver disease, from all the drinking. That he has less then a year to live and he wants to make things better.

He looks you in the eyes and he apologizes.

Of all the things you expected, this wasn't one of them. You sit there for a while before you start to ask questions. You don't speak of his apology and he will never repeat it again. You don't know how long you sit there. But as he leaves you put out your hand, he ignores it.

He hugs you instead.

You can't even remember when he hugged you the last time. He tells you he loves you. And you believe him. You can't explain why. But you believe him. Perhaps It's because he's dying. Perhaps it's because you want to believe him. In the end does it really matter?

He leaves and you close the door behind him.

You will never see him alive again. You walk back to your room and you lie back down. You stare at your clock again. Two hours have passed. Sleep starts to find his way to you. You're eyes start to close.

There's another knock on your door.

You sit up again. Who could it be this time? You don't get up. You don't want to open the door. You can't handle more bad news. You just can't. Instead you lie back down. Let whoever is standing at the door wait. You really don't care.

There's another knock on your door. This time you ignore it.


	17. Chapter 17

Finally over

Time has passed, almost without your knowledge.

You never found out who was the second visitor that night. Your father died three months after his visit. You never saw him alive again. You talked to him on the phone, but you never saw him again. Perhaps it's for the best. That his midnight visit is your last memory of him.

It's a good memory.

But time passed. And slowly your life starts to get on track again. You don't feel so much pain, although it doesn't disappear completely. But it's not so much anymore. You can finally sleep again. The clock doesn't haunt you as it did before. Time passes quicker again.

And now you're in L.A.

And okay you are working. But still it's good to get out of Washington. It's good to breath the air. It's good to visit the beach, drive around a little. At least it would be. Ff Ziva wasn't such a pain. If she could just leave the director alone.

But you can't deny you're worried to.

So you go in search of her. After all you have to protect her. That is your job. During the ride to the diner you finally feel alive again. You bicker with Ziva, get lost. Drive around. And suddenly the pain is much less. You're alive.

And the smile on your face is finally genuine.

You run into the diner in the middle of the gunfight. You don't even think about it. A man points a gun at the director and you put yourself in front of her. It is your job to protect her. Your job to keep her alive. When the bullet hits your chest it knocks the air out of you.

You hear screams in the distance.

But you don't really notice anymore. You fall to the ground. You try to breath, but it's suddenly becoming difficult again. The sounds around you start to disappear. The world around you is become dark. You try to keep breathing.

And then you notice you don't have the strength to fight anymore.

So you give up. There's no more fight in you. You close your eyes. And you take your last breath. The world around you is now completely dark. There are no more sounds.

It's finally silent. Finally you can't feel anymore pain.

It's finally over.


	18. Chapter 18

**THis is the final chapter. I hope you all enjoyed this story. Please read and review. **

**Don't own NCIS nor Tony (though I would like to.)**

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Peace

The darkness around you becomes lighter.

It's a bright white light. You open your eyes. And for a second you think you're still alive. For a second you think you're at a hospital. But you're not. You are dead. You look around. You wait for the pain.

But it never comes.

You hear familiar voices behind you. Kate. Paula. You hug them. You don't even think about it you just do it. They smile at you. And finally you feel like you've come home. There is no more pain. It is all finally over. You're father is there to. So is your mother.

In the distance you hear someone call your name.

Abby. You turn around and look at Kate. She just shakes her head. There is nothing you can do for her. All you can do is wait. One day Abby and all the rest of them will show up hear. One day it will become better. One day you will all be together again. A day that you hope is very far away.

But that day will come.

But it is not today. Today you have found your way home. Today you are back with the two persons you are sure have always loved you. Have always seen you. Have always been on your side.

You take one last look at the world you leave behind.

Then you walk into the light. With Kate on one side and Paula on another. Your parents walk in front of you. There is no more pain. You don't know where you are going, but you don't think it matters.

Because finally all you can feel is peace.

Finally there's no more pain.

You are free.


End file.
